Sunday, December 31, 2006
All of this brings us to the dilemma I had when considering Christmas gifts for my husband. He is not the easiest guy to shop for. He pretty much has what he needs, and is not the kind of guy to whine about the stuff he wishes he had. He is always far more concerned about taking care of his wife and family. Long before I knew the Chargers would have such an amazing season, tickets were on sale and I had the offer of babysitting services for our 5 kids. After a lot of thought and arranging, I decided to take the plunge. I knew it would be one of the only times we have left Grace with a sitter. I knew it might turn out to be a "meaningless" game since it was at the end of the season. I took a shot anyway.
This all turned out to be a good thing. Will was VERY surprised when he opened the tickets on Christmas morning. He was even more surprised to hear there was already an arrangement in place for the kids. The best part though; he was truly excited about going to the game. It really does mean something for the Chargers, and hence, to my husband. At 1:15pm PST today, Will and I will be sitting in Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, to cheer on the San Diego Chargers as they face the Arizona Cardinals. I truly hope the Chargers will emerge victorious in this game, but regardless, I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity to spend the day with my husband. I appreciate this chance to hang out as grown ups, without our beloved kids, as husband and wife.
V I C T O R Y ! ! !
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I must make note here; there was not a flake of snow to be found while I was in the Denver area. There was a chilly bite in the air, but the skies were clear and sunny. My flights were smooth and timely, and we never even saw a hint of ice on the roads. That is most definitely not the case today! About 48 hours ago, the weather took a turn for the worse. The snow started to fall at an alarming rate, and didn't stop until late today. The total accumulation varies depending on the specific region one might be in, but 18 inches to 36 inches, with 6 foot plus snowdrifts, is not uncommon. Wow!!!! The visibility was near zero, and thousands of Holiday travelers have been stranded in the airports. The latest word from the local clan is, "We are staying in where it's warm, and enjoying the view outside." There's not much point in doing anything else, since it will be at least a couple days before the plows get around the whole city to make it safe to commute again. Oh, how I am counting my blessings to be home with my family right now. We have had our famous frost warnings again the last few nights, but the skies are bright and sunny. Our ability to get around town will not be dependent on a plow anytime soon, and the latest weather report calls for a high of 68 degrees on Christmas Day. Yes....we are blessed.
Snowdrifts as high as the 2nd floor balcony!!
About 18" of snowThat's Mary and Joseph peaking up out of the snow. Baby Jesus is nowhere to be found.
Updated: Now, they are predicting a high of 77 degrees on Christmas day. This will definitely be a California Christmas. 8^)
My youngest sister, the baby of the family (and the one that just graduated from Nursing School), got engaged on Tuesday evening. I imagine this is a week she will not soon forget!
Congratulations Amanda and Gil!!!
Updated to add a picture of the happy couple and my (soon to be) new niece...
For the most part, I try to stay off the email forwarding train. If your in-box is anything like mine, you already have more than enough to sort through without multiple copies of the same trivial thing popping in from different email friends. However, every once in a while I get something that moves me. After taking a moment to check that it's not a scam (thank goodness for Snopes.com), I ponder who I know that might appreciate the message. Yesterday, that very thing happened. You see, I have had a tough time getting into the "Christmas Spirit" this year. I can't seem to get the sights, sounds and smells of our trip to Ethiopia out of my head. I look at our beautiful daughter Grace, who spent months of her life sick and failing to thrive, and find it very difficult to shop for gifts that will just be added to the abundance that already exists. It's not about a lack of appreciation, but of greater need somewhere else. Our own Christmases of the past have been an awesome sight. That's something we needed to reassess this year. Our adoption journey and travels to the 3rd world have changed something deep within us. If we, like so many others, are going to stretch our budget for the Christmas season, we need to use wisdom and discernment in deciding where those resources should go. We will still be giving and receiving gifts this year, but they will be more on the modest side, and whenever possible, will benefit those in need. So, back to the email I got yesterday; I couldn't decide who to send it to since the message is intended for everyone. Please enjoy this beautiful take on the impoverished, but amazingly joyous birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Merry Christmas and much love from our house to yours!!
CHRISTMAS IN POVERTY
Philippians 2:6-8, "Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: and being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedience unto death, even the death of the cross."
What is Christmas today? Christmas trees, decorations, lights, tinsel, parties, Santa Claus, and an over abundance of food. Total antipathy to the very first Christmas!
The first Christmas was celebrated in poverty. Today, if a couple were so poor that they had to have their baby in a dirty animal stable, the Social Services would take their baby away from them. But 2000 years down the line, it seems that the humility of Christmas has been forgotten.
I think it would be good to remind ourselves of the true reality of Christmas, don't you?
1. The humility of Mary.
Mary was a humble maiden with a humble lineage. She was not a royal princess. She was not a High Priest's daughter. She was not rich. Mary herself confesses in her song, "He hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden.... He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree..." (Luke 1:48-49) But God chose this unknown virgin to bring forth His precious Son. He chose her because she was a willing vessel. Often those who have everything materially, are not willing vessels.
God is not looking for riches and material possessions. He is looking for women with obedient hearts-- mothers who will welcome to their hearts the children whom God has planned to send them. He is looking for those who have the same spirit Mary had when she said, "Be it unto me according to thy Word." (Luke 1:38) She was totally surrendered to the will of the Lord. In the face of poverty, ridicule, rejection and estrangement, she embraced this child who would be the Savior of the world.
I will never forget going to the famous art gallery in London and seeing a painting of Mary. It was such an anointed picture. The artist had captured the look of total submission and abandonment to the will of God upon her face. It was amazing. I looked and looked at it for hours. The caption was the very words, "Be it unto me according to thy Word."
2. The humility of Joseph.
Joseph was a humble carpenter from a humble village. Do you remember that Nathanael said of Jesus, "Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?" (John 1:46) Jesus was spurned by his fellow residents of Nazareth who asked, "Is not this the carpenter's son?" (Matthew 13:55)
3. The humility of His birthplace.
Jesus was born in a stable, most probably a cave, with the dirt, the smells and messes of the animals all around. He was then laid in a stone feeding trough, fit only for the animals. Jesus was born to be King, but God didn't provide a palace for His Son in which to be born. He didn't provide a doctor, nurses and hospital. There was no cradle, beautifully draped with lace and frills. Only straw! Was there even that? No Christmas card paints the true reality of the scene.
If this was the beginning of the Son of God, why do we, the sons and daughters of God, expect that we should have all the niceties of life? Of course, if God blesses us with them, we will receive them with joy, but should we expect them? Everything surrounding the birth of Jesus was humble. It is interesting that in the body of Christ we have the "Faith movement" and the "Discipleship movement" and so on. But has anyone ever heard of the "Humility movement"? We don't take to this aspect so well, do we? And yet this is how God planned for His beloved Son to be born. And this is how he lived all through His life. Shouldn't humility also be the hallmark of our Christian experience?
I think that God revealed His heart in the place He chose for His son to be born-the lowliest and humbles place possible. God loves the poor. He promises to raise up the poor. He watches over them. Even in the birth of His son, He related to the poorest of the poor.
It is also amazing to think that God chose to bring forth His beloved Son through the process of birth. He could have sent him down from Heaven on a chariot of fire! He could have sent a legion of angels to escort Him from the majesty of heaven. But no! He chose for His Son to be conceived and nurtured in a womb, to be born of a woman, the way that God planned for all human life to come into this world.
Surely this raises birth to a high estate. What a privilege to give birth and give life to children, the very same way that Jesus came into the world? How blessed we are as women.
4. The humility of Jesus' dedication.
After the days of a mother's purification, the parents took the baby to the temple to be dedicated. They had to bring a lamb to be sacrificed for the dedication. However, if they could not afford a lamb, they brought two turtle doves or young pigeons. (Leviticus 12:6-8) The account in Luke 2:23-24 tells us that Joseph and Mary brought doves or pigeons. They belonged to the poor class. They couldn't afford to bring a lamb. And yet God chose from the poorer class to bring forth the King of kings and Lord of lords.
We don't have to own our own home and have all the modern conveniences before we are ready to have a baby. All we have to have is willing and welcome hearts. God will always provide for the children He sends. The poor who have children are richer than the wealthy who reject children.
May God pour out His Spirit upon you at this very special season as you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah together as a family. May God keep all our hearts focused on the humility of His birth, rather than tinsel and toys.
Love from NANCY CAMPBELL
"Dear Lord Jesus, Thank you for leaving the glory of heaven to come to this earth. Thank you for humbling yourself to become a little baby. Thank you for being humiliated for me. Thank you that you came to die, and to die for my sin. How can I ever thank you adequately? But with all my being I worship and love you. Amen."
Zechariah 9:9 NAS, "Behold your king is coming to you; He is just and endowed with salvation, humble, and mounted on a donkey, even on a colt, the foal of a donkey"
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Well, they have worked feverishly for the last few months to bring their kids home, and finally made it through court in Ethiopia yesterday!!!! It is my great pleasure to announce that we have two new little cousins! Liya is almost 4 years old and Meg is 4 months old. The family is hoping to be able to unite for good before the end of January. Yippee!!!!
We can hardly wait to meet these Ethiopian angels!!
Please feel free to stop by their family's blog to congratulate them, and welcome these lovely girls home. Thanks 8^)
My other sister, Shannon, got married this Sunday. Her husband Joe is in the Army, and preparing for deployment to South Korea on January 1st. This created a need for some hasty preparations over the last few weeks, but it turned out quite nice when the day came. Joe has two beautiful little girls, Kayla and Alicia, that seem to be quite taken with Shannon. The feelings are definitely mutual. I managed to contort my crazy Holiday season scedule to make it to Denever early Sunday morning. I spent the day arranging flowers and wrapping up last minute details for the late afternoon ceremony. Shannon and Joe filled the room with lots of love and smiles, as my brother Shane, who was just ordained as a pastor this Summer, performed the wedding (his first). He did a great job!! Both families enjoyed a delicious dinner at Olive Garden following the marathon a pictures, and the guys even entertained us with a peppercini eating contest. Pastor Shane was victorious!!! Obviously, fun was had by all. Those of us in the younger set (how cool is it that I qualified for that?!) wrapped up the night with a trip to the local country music club for some line dancing, bull riding and general fun and conversation. I was exhausted when my plane hit the ground Monday afternoon, but it was definitely worth it.
Congratulations and Best Wishes Shannon and Joe!!!
Saturday, December 09, 2006
So, one Friday afternoon while the boys were eating lunch, my door bell rang. As is her usual response, the dog went beserk. I quickly wrestled her into her kennel, scooped up Grace in my arms, and ran to answer the door. As expected, it was the appraiser. He was very polite, and following a quick introduction, got straight to work. He walked around the front and back yards with obvious purpose. He took down measurements and notes with great efficiency. Then he started on the indoor assessment. He went room to room with obvious experience. The whole time, the dog was losing her mind from the sight of this strange man invading her territory; from the safety of her kennel of course. Grace seemed very concerned by this stranger in our house as well. I was forced to stand in the living room holding the baby and petting the dog through the roof of her kennel to attempt to forge out some semblance of calm. Other than the obvious auditory trauma we were all experiencing, everything seemed to be progressing satisfactorily. My only disappointment was that I couldn't walk around with the man. Call me crazy, but I don't usually just give strangers free reign in my house.
Over the following weekend, we decided we would like to listen to some music. The obvious choice seemed to be the Ipod (60G w/ video)and Hi-Fi speaker that Will gave me as gifts for this past Christmas and my birthday. Since I spent a ton of time loading up every CD we own onto the Ipod before our trip to Ethiopia in April, we were sure to find something we wanted to listen to. There was just one problem. The Ipod was nowhere to be found!!! We searched, and searched, and searched, and searched some more! Still no Ipod. I was seriously bummed, and I think Will might have been even more upset. We spent hours searching and trying to think back over the last few days. I knew I had not taken the thing anywhere. No one else in the family had used it. We had not had any company over, and the kids had not had any friends over either. As hard as it was to think of it, we really thought the appraiser might have taken my Ipod.
Will emailed our friend that was helping with our loan to see if he thought this man might have done such a thing. He felt strongly that his appraiser friend was totally incapable of such an act of duplicity, but he also agreed to look into it further if he ever saw his friend with an Ipod. You see, Will had an inscription put on the back when he gave it to me. I was pleased that Will made this contact, but I also felt some hesitation about pursuing the issue any further. Even though there seemed to be no other explanation, we also had no proof. The principle of "innocent until proven guilty" was apparently ingrained rather strongly in me.
For the last few weeks, the subject has been raised on several occasions. Even the kids have brought it up. Will and I both spent time looking for the Ipod now and then. We took off all the couch cushions. We looked under all the furniture. We checked every shelf, drawer and top of every high piece of furniture. I even searched both cars top to bottom. Still no luck.
Today, we decided it was time to do some SERIOUS house cleaning. This actually had nothing to do with the missing Ipod at all. I think I was pretty much resigned to the idea that it was gone. The housework today happened because I told my family that we would not be getting out one single Christmas decoration until the mountains of clutter were gone. I was not about to add more stuff on top of the junk that was already all over. I know...Bah Humbug. Since everyone was excited by the propects of getting to put the tree up, they were all fairly enthusiastic about their chores. There were the typical distracted kid moments, but we got a ton done. They even earned ice cream at the end of the long day of hard work. I was thrilled!
During the cleaning marathon, Will took on the computer desk. Now, this is no typical desk. It wraps around the corner of the room, and has a huge file cabinet and book shelf attached. A ton of stuff had collected there. Most of his day was spent sorting out piles of papers and finding homes for all sorts of other sundry items. Just after dinner tonight, as I was sitting on the floor sorting out my huge piles of magazines that have been collecting, Will decided to check behind the desk. This no easy feat with such a large piece of furniture. We can't just pull it out from the wall, so Will crawled under the desktop with his trusty Mini-Maglite to see what he could find. He came across a paper or two, a baby toy, a coaster and much to his surpise.....my missing Ipod. Yippee!!! The kids were cheering, and I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him he's my hero.
So this brings us back to the appraiser. We were so tempted to go farther in our attempts to find out if he took my Ipod before. I am so glad we didn't. I am so grateful that our loan officer friend kept our suspicions to himself, and didn't allow our concerns to damage his relationship with his friend. This whole thing could have turned out bad in so many ways. So mostly, I'm just happy it didn't.
Friday, December 08, 2006
It seems there are lots of reasons to pray lately. Not that we need a special reason. 8^) I got an email from a blog friend today. It seems another blogger she knows recently welcomed new twin sons to her family. Unfortunately, they are very premature and are struggling mightily. They sent out an urgent request for prayer, and asked that anyone who is able join them in their petition for healing for their sons.
Please keep the Bolline family in your prayers; especially little Adam and Andrew.
Here's wishing you a Speedy Recovery Grandpa John!!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
That said, a couple days ago I was inspired. I received a comment on this post, the likes of which I have never known before. It wasn't mean or disrespectful, wasn't from an anonymous source and it wasn't spam. Most importantly, IT DID NOT OFFEND ME. It WAS long though, and it made me think (read what KHS said). In fact, it made me think so much that I couldn't gather my thoughts enough to answer it until today. After some more thought, I decided to post my response here on the blog. I wasn't sure at first, but since the comment is out there for everyone to read, the response might as well be too; just in case anybody else out there has a different method of handling this issue like Karen does. So, without further ado....
You have some pretty valuable things to add to this discussion too. There are so many variations in families, and they all have to be accounted for when we decide what works for our own individual family. Divorce, remarriage and siblings with different biological parents definitely throw the whole system into a frenzy. I know. That's how I grew up. My parents separated when I was 2. They were both married to new spouses by the time I was 4, and each pair had two new children together. I have a Mom and a Step-Dad (I have called him Papa, Dad & John at different points), a Dad and Step-Mom (I've always called her Diane), and four half siblings that are just my brothers and sisters as far as we are all concerned. I couldn't agree with you more about the parents' approach to all this confusion setting the tone for what's "normal" to the child. My parents always took all the extra family I had in stride, so I did too. It was a little hard explaining it to my friends sometimes though.
I am so sorry if my previous post implied that the solution that works for our family when referring to birth parents is the best thing for everyone. That is so far from what I meant. We were very lucky to get the name of Grace's mother when we went to Ethiopia to bring her home. It is not uncommon for abandoned babies in Ethiopia to have a similar lack of information from their pasts as what you described about your Chinese daughter. The photos we got were a gift beyond my wildest expectations. If it hadn't been for a thoughtful nurse at the hospital when Grace was born, and the commitment of a kind volunteer that took care of her for the first couple months of her life, we wouldn't know anything. As it is, that is the full extent of the information we have. I am not exactly sure what we would have chosen to do about how we refer to Grace's birth mom if we hadn't learned her name.
The terms Mom, Mama, Mommy, Mummy, etc. are all intended to denote a certain connection. There aren't many sweeter sounds in the world, than hearing your children say "mama" for the first time. It isn't said because you labored and delivered the child. They are expressing their love and connection to you as their most prized caregiver and nurturer. Birth mothers are mothers in the sense that they sacrificed their bodies, time and personal feelings for the betterment of their children. They could have aborted them, or placed them in an adoptive home and then ripped them back out because of their own selfish desires. Many (or I even dare to say most) birth mothers have long term issues finding peace with their decision to place their child for adoption, but we, as adoptive parents, are still given the gift of mothering these children in spite of that. Those are pretty big sacrifices. However, that doesn't obligate you to use any specific term of endearment for them that you prefer to save as a special expression between yourself and your child.
As for me, I have never been "Mommy" to any of my kids. All of them called me Mama when they were little, and graduated to Mom after that. In fact, it sounds a little strange to me to hear someone else refer to me as their "mommy". I imagine that played a big part in my willingness to give up this particular term to the women that played a pretty darn significant role in my ability to parent my children now. There were a few important things that we considered when trying to decide how to refer to our kids' first parents:
1. Is it a term that my children understand?
2. It is a term that shows respect/love for their 1st/birth/bio mother/father?
3. It is a term that both my husband and I are comfortable using?
As I wrote # 3 just now, I felt a tiny check in my spirit. I wasn't always comfortable with calling another person my son's Mommy. She most definitely was, but there was a part of me that seemed to dream of wishing all of that away so he could just be mine. That was my issue though; not his. I wouldn't have been fair for me to make it his issue either. He felt love in his heart for his first mother, and we all needed to honor that. I am happy to be able to report that those reservations have long since faded from the picture for me. I just needed time to make my own memories and past with him, so I didn't feel like I needed to covet her's.
So to wrap up my rather long winded response, I will leave you with this. Don't call your son's birth mother "Mommy _____" if it makes you feel uncomfortable. As long as it conveys respect, any term that you use consistently will likely be fine with him. Kids, especially young ones, tend to follow their parents' lead. If you force yourself to say something that you feel uncomfortable with, your attitude is likely to show through to your children, so don't do it. If they indicate that they need something different in the future, try to be open to it. These are their identities/memories/feelings after all. As far as your children having different backgrounds, I suggest honesty and a whole lot of compassion. To quote my husband, in our family we have children that are, "Yours, Mine, Our's and Someone Else's". There is no way that I can make any of them have the same past. It is just plain impossible. It probably will be hard for your daughter when she gets older and really wraps her mind around the idea that her brother has photos and information about his first Mom, and she has nothing. This might sound harsh, but life isn't fair. She will have to make peace within herself for this injustice she has been dealt by life, and she will likely need lots of love from you to help her do it. In the mean time, since you don't have a name, perhaps the word for mother in Chinese would be a way to refer to this special lady. Another option would be to ask your daughter what she would like to call her when she is old enough to talk. Things that start early in life have a tendency to stick around when they become part of the fabric of our family conversation. Your daughter might even forget that she "named" her birth mom as she gets older. It would be a sweet memory for you to share with her later. Of course, sticking with "Birth Mom" works too. I'm not sure what the best answer is, but anything done out of love, and concern for the well being of your children and family, sounds great to me.
Best of luck,
PS See...I told you all I might write a novella!!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Over the last year, he had more and more moments like the one last Christmas. For a while, he just focused on other things. He is an avid scuba diver and instructor, and loves to swim and ski. After a while though, the pain was rearing its' ugly head too often to ignore. He finally went in to see his trusted orthopedic surgeon. The doctor confirmed what we all feared. The artificial hip joint was deteriorating, and would need to be replaced again. This might seem extreme to most people, but here's the thing; artificial joints are only designed to last about 15 years, That is for someone that does an "average" amount of activity. Grandpa John is a pretty active guy. With that in mind, the timing is just about right.
Now that you're caught up on the story, here's the big part. TODAY WAS THE DAY. My Mom and sister took Grandpa John into the hospital early this morning for his operation. Overall, things went well. He made it through the surgery, and is expected to make a full recovery. However, there was a hitch. Part of the first artificial hip joint had begun to deteriorate the bone behind it. The surgeon said it looked a bit like Swiss cheese. This was not expected. In order for the new joint to be placed, they had to fill in the damaged bone with some sort of putty. Now I don't know all that much about this sort of thing, but that does not sound good to me! Apparently, the doctor agreed. He has ordered Grandpa not to bear weight on that leg for. the. next. six. months. That is how long he expects it to take for everything to heal and fuse together. Yikes!!!
Monday, December 04, 2006
OK - where are Grace's teeth? I'm sure there's a good reason I'm not seeing any - I'm just curious. Not that it matters - she's about the cutest thing walking.
So, with no hesitation, I shot this one back.....
I don't know. The truth is, none have come in yet, and there doesn't seem to be any sign of any coming in the immediate future. I asked the pediatrician about it at her 12 month check-up. He assured me that it is not all that uncommon for some children to get teeth later than others. He said he treated a family that included several children that didn't get their first tooth until they were about 18 months. Since we don't know her genetic history, and she has been growing like gang busters since she got home, he didn't want to jump to any hasty conclusions about the lack of teeth. After seeing my obvious concern, he did concede to ordering x-rays if we still didn't see anything by 15 months. That date came this past week. I guess it's time for me to call the good doctor. Ugh! I can't imagine what we are going to have to deal with when they try to take dental x-rays from a 15 month old child. Prayers would be good.
PS She is awfully cute, huh?!!
Leave it to a friend (even one that I have never met face to face, that lives a couple thousand miles away) to remind me to get off my lazy buns, and take care of business. Especially the kind of thing that, as a Mom, I kinda don't want to know the answer to. Just in case it's not what I want it to be. Of course, that would be rather pessimistic of me, wouldn't it? God sure does know when we need a little shove, doesn't He?
Thanks, Perri, for sending that email. 8^)
Update: Grace is scheduled to see the pediatrician next Tuesday, but I doubt the x-rays will be taken that day. Unless he can see something that none of the rest of us can, I don't imagine he will have too much to say until we have x-rays to look at. I'll be sure to keep you all posted.
Thanks to those that took the time to comment or send me a private email. It is always a comfort to know there are other parents out there to lend their knowledge and support. 8^)
I was born just outside Chicago, and spent the majority of my childhood living in Colorado. Winter was all about cold and snow. Much of Fall and Spring could be counted on for it too. We didn't just tolerate these conditions, we coveted them. We belonged to a ski club so we could spend large portions of every weekend playing in the winter wonderland that we called home. When school was called off due to weather, you could bet our entire family would be found outside shoveling off our walk, and helping our neighbors when we could. I would have never admitted it as a kid, but some serious family bonding happened over those snow shovels.
I must admit that I miss that wintry weather from time to time. I don't miss having to bundle and un-bundle five kids every time I need to head out somewhere. I don't miss having to scrape ice off my windshield and trying to navigate the icy roads. I don't even miss shoveling snow. I do miss waking up to a peaceful word, blanketed in white. I do miss being the first one to make tracks in the freshly fallen snow. I do miss the satisfying sensation of the warmth seeping back into my body after playing outside in the snow for hours. Mostly, I miss my friends and family that live far away in those colder climates.
We have a very nice existence here in our cozy corner of the country. It is "pool" weather more often than not. We can grow just about anything, and sometimes even get two harvests before the growing season passes. Sun, and a little rain, rarely make the roads very slick. Most of the time, a jacket isn't even necessary, but when it is, a light one will do. We are nestled comfortably between the mountains, ocean and desert. Drive a hour in any direction, and you have reached your desired terrain. We may not bond over snow shoveling, but a good round of group pool cleaning from time to time does the trick.
As much as we enjoy our cozy abode, a little variation is nice now and then. One dissatisfied local resident gave a very accurate quote to one of the local news channels last week. "We had Summer, Thanksgiving, then Winter." She was absolutely right. We had a scorcher of a Summer this year, and we were still getting high temperatures in the 90's throughout November. I, for one, was ready for a change. I reveled in the opportunity to wear my warm, cozy clothes last week. Even the kids seemed to enjoy the need for a jacket in the morning before school. Grace had a ton of "winter" clothes, just waiting in the drawer for some cooler weather. You can bet I took the opportunity to see her, in all her cuteness, in her new clothes. I even found a minute to snap a couple pictures.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Today, the topic of proper terminology when referring to "first families" came up. Is it best to use the terms "birthmom" and "birthdad"? Would it be better to say "first Mom" and "first Dad"? Quite often I find myself doing a lot of lurking on these forums, with very little chiming in. However, today I couldn't resist. So, for what it's worth, here's my take on the "Birthmom Controversy"....
My family comes at this issue with a slightly different perspective, but I think we have something valuable to add to this discussion. My husband and I were both widowed before we met (about 6 weeks apart). We both had children with our late spouses, and therefore had to figure out how to handle many of the same things that come up in adoption in our newly blended family. It would have sounded terribly strange to refer to their first Mom and Dad as "birthmom" or "birthdad" when talking with our children. They had been raised for the first few years of their lives by these parents, and they needed continuity in the way we referred to them. Since the children had begun to call their new (step) parents Mom and Dad, we also needed to figure out a way to cut down on the confusion in our conversations when speaking about two different Moms and Dads. We ended up adopting the terms "Mommy Karen" and "Daddy Jeff". This made it clear which Mom or Dad we were all referring too, and kept their first parents in that special place that the children needed them to be in.
It is 6 years later now, the children are all quite a bit older, and these terms have definitely stuck. It is very common for us to discuss Mommy Karen and Daddy Jeff. Even our son that was born to my husband and I in our new marriage, refers to them this way. Now that we have adopted our youngest daughter from Ethiopia, we intend to continue this tradition. As she gets older (she is only 15 months right now), I expect that "Mommy Etenesh" will become a regular part of our families discourse. It is so important to us to make sure that all of our children, regardless of the circumstances of their loss, know that we hold their first parents in extremely high regard. None of them would be able to be the cherished part of our family that they are, if it weren't for these three great people.
On the other hand, there are times that my husband and I are faced with the need to discuss "first parents" with people other than our children. Using our family names for them would be just a tad confusing, and I dare to say, weird. How can we possibly expect strangers or casual acquaintances to know what we mean when we say Daddy Jeff or Mommy Karen or Etenesh? This is where the terms "birthmom" and "birthdad" enter the picture. Neither one of us have ever used these terms meaning any disrespect. It is simply a way to differentiate and explain our situation to those that don't have intimate knowledge of our family's special terminology. We are always sensitive to our children's feelings when we talk about these things, as you never know when they might be overhearing every word.
Updated to add: This is something I didn't think to include in my previous post, but was reminded about it by another parent on our local adoption list. We also keep pictures of our kids' first parents up at our house. Each child has a photo of themselves, with their parent, in a special frame that they got to pick out themselves at the store. They all keep them in places of honor in their rooms. This really helps when the time comes that memories start to fade a bit. All of our children have come to the place where they couldn't quite get a picture in their head of what their birthparent looked like anymore. The photos immediately eliminated the problem, and seem to be a source of comfort and reassurance on a regular basis.