Sunday, January 14, 2007

Response

I got a comment in response to this post. I appreciated some of it, but some of it just plain ticked me off. I thought for a good long while, and decided I needed to respond. Unfortunately, there was not an email address or blog to answer back to, so I decided to do it here. As my husband pointed out, it's my blog, and that's my right. So here it goes:

Dear Sheryl,

I'm pleased to hear you've been reading my blog. I originally started this endeavor to keep family and friends up to date on our exciting journey, but it has turned into so much more. I don't know if you have your own blog, but I hope you have thought about the "big picture" when making posts and/or comments. It is impossible to please everyone. In fact, it's really hard to know what to blog about, and what to keep personal. It's especially tough to guess how family, friends, and even complete strangers, will react to any particular post. I do my best, but on occasion, I miss the mark for someone.

I have determined that I have a good sized audience from the adoption community. Mostly, that includes white parents adopting black children. Unlike some people, my family and I never felt a moment's hesitation when God called us to adopt from Africa. The original country (Lesotho) did not have international adoption laws, so we immediately investigated ALL African countries that did. Ethiopia was a perfect fit for us. Many might have looked elsewhere because of racism, ignorance, skin color or fear of something as simple as hair care. We did not! Our daughter Grace is a source of great joy, and a ray of light in our home everyday. No one else would do!!

I would be lying to say that the hair care issues of a black child were not a "challenge" for me. I have very fine hair, with almost no body. I have spent my entire life trying to get it to do something, ANYTHING!! I am allergic to almost all lotions. Off the top of my head, I can think of two that don't cause me a severe allergic reaction. I have eczema, "combination" and sensitive skin, severely oily at the scalp and dry at the ends hair, etc. Many of my biological children share some or all of these issues. My Ethiopian daughter has her own set of issues. They just don't happen to fit into the already complicated repertoire of the rest of our family. However, I think I have made it abundantly clear that I am willing and anxious to learn.

For the record, I did not ever use the word "tame". Although, considering the way hair often looks when kids (both white and black) wake up from their naps, it probably would have fit. The word "challenge" is simply the truth. I have SOOOO much to learn. I REALLY don't know what I'm doing. I am the "clueless white Mom". None of this says anything about my daughter. I understand what you're saying about the messages black children receive from the general public, but would it be better for my daughter to receive less than honest statements at home? If anything, I was rather self deprecating in the post you responded to. We tell Grace constantly how pretty she is. My husband's favorite pet name for her is "Beautiful". Her sister and brothers applaud when she finishes getting ready for the day and looks "So Pretty!". The fact that I have a lot to learn, and am struggling, hardly reflects on her.

When I write a blog post, I am aiming for my particular audience. I am VERY careful about statements or stories that might be uncomfortable to my children or husband. Believe it or not, I actually pray about each and every post. I DO NOT want to cause pain, confusion, hurt, etc., to anyone; especially those I love the most. Can you recall any posts about my sons' ADHD, OCD, RAD, depression, etc.? How many of my blog posts come to mind when you think of pre-teen angst and hormonal outbursts? How about 4 year old willfulness and disrespect? Finally, I feel pretty safe in saying you will never read anything negative about my husband here. He is my life partner, best friend and a most wonderful father to all of our children; in spite of his human-ness. Let's not even get started on my depression and anxiety disorders. Some topics are just plain off limits.

I'm sorry if my post offended you in some way. That was never my intent. You stated that you did not intend to offend either, and I will take your word for that. I am a kind, compassionate person with positive motives. I'm not perfect, but I strive to do my best every single day. I wish my intentions could always be understood, but regardless, my mission in writing this blog will remain constant. I wish to keep our family and friends up to date, while educating them and others that stop by from time to time. Please feel free to keep reading, but understand that my honesty is going to continue.


Blaine

10 comments:

Brianna Heldt said...

Blaine I appreciate your honesty in your blog. As for hair challenges, I struggle to do our (biological, White) daughter's hair sometimes because it's so straight and fine, it never wants to stay! And my own hair is in between curly and straight, is super thick and has always been a "challenge." I guess all of that to say, I think you make some good points.

BoltBacker21 said...

Personally, I am sick and tired of people searching for racism, or racial insensitivity. Why can't we assume comments are well meaning and harmless. Your comment was obviously not inteded to upset or offend anyone and if anyone found a way to turn it around into racial insensitivity, they were wanting it to be there. So much so that they inserted words you didn't even say! Just keep doing what you are doing and realize that the world is full of people with their own agendas and prejudices.

Andi said...

She is beautiful, and all hair is a challenge. All KIDS are a challenge. I don't think a child as clearly loved as Grace is will have her delicate ego shattered by a bad hair day.

Sorry about your team.... GO COLTS!!!

Andi

(ps - i'm not a lurker I promise. I just read your blog for the first time a few days ago. You have a beautiful family!)

DeAnna said...

First of all, I'm kind of laughing here. To think that you were being "insensitive" to your own child by saying it is a challenge to do her hair seems funny to me. I never would have thought of that as being a negative about "black" hair. I automatically thought you are a clueless white mom like me. :) I love your honesty as well and I can't imagine that Grace would grow up hearing you mention the challenge you have with her hair and think you mean it is anything less than beautiful, just different than yours which obviously is going to be a learning experience. I have curly hair - very curly, frizzy, tangly hair to which I look back at pictures of myself as a child and ask my mom what she was thinking -- she was totally clueless on how to fix curly hair. It looked like a stinkin puff ball :) She, like you were saying admits it -- it was a challenge to work with my hair. I never once thought my mom was telling me that straight hair was better -- just the opposite, I would want straight hair and my mom would compliment me on my hair and that God made me just the way He wanted. If we don't admit our weaknesses then how can we improve them.

(Oh and could you post or email me the link to the yahoo group, because I would like to find what kind of lotion to use on Amelia's skin)

smiliesar said...

You doing a great job Blaine! You can tell by all the pictures and smiles that Grace is love and feels great about herself. Some people (myself included) speak before they think some times. Don't worry too much about it. Ü

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for the hurt. I was afraid of that when I read that comment. I loved the hair-care websites on the comment that followed, though. A little support goes a long way.
Chin up,
MP2

Perri said...

Hey Blaine - Andi the non lurker) who commented -- that's my daughter.

I have always liked reading your blog for the exact reasons you mentioned - I know when I come here to read, I'm not going to be slammed with a bunch of personal problems and husband bashing - just the sheer joy that comes from having a wonderful family such as yours.

Jane (a.k.a. patjrsmom) said...

Hi Blaine,
Sorry to hear about that response. You are ALWAYS so kind and respectful in both your posts as well as your own responses on others blogs. You manage to put a bright and shiny spin on any situation I've seen you respond to. I can always tell when I see your name that something thoughtful, and never, never hurtful, will be written there. Remember, the internet does a great deal well, but it does have its shortcomings...don't let it get you down! God Bless!
Jane

shelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shelly said...

Love your blog! I am an AA female or if I get technical I am an African American, with a little Native american and a little European American tossed in ..but who cares about all of that...I and some of my family and friends have used the terms tame or manageable when talking about our hair (and that term is not exclusive to any particular race)....it just happened to be the term that worked for us in that particular situation.... for example aomeone of any race that has curly hair and wants to wear it straight will face some of the same challenges and the same is true for someone with straight hair that wants to wear it curly... will have to put more energy into the process ......it took me a while to figure out what products worked best for my hair because I have a combination type texure of hair...some products that are geared towards AA hair are too oily and some products that are geared towards EA hair are too drying....but I have to say I applaud your efforts in trying to find out what will work best for your child....Please don't let anyone or anything get you down...you can never please everyone...what I see on your blog is what is most important and that is Lots of Love!!! Keep your head to the sky..!!!